The following interview transcript was painstakingly typed out by CarriK and made available for your downloading enjoyment by moi, Tiny Dancer from my website, Tiny Dancer's X-Files Episode Guide . Enjoy. ----------------------------------------------------------- David Duchovny on SNL 5/9/98 Opening Skit Transcribed by CarriK Disclaimer: The X-files and all its characters and episodes are owned by Chris Carter and 10-13 productions. SNL's stuff belongs to SNL. This transcript was made without their permission and it is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. Thanks, CarriKendl@aol.com [ "X-FILES" THEME PLAYS ] (Exterior shot of FBI looking building.) FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DC 10:47 PM (David Duchovny as Mulder is sitting at his desk in an X-Files looking office typing on a laptop computer. I Want To Believe Poster on wall.) Duchovny: (voiceover) A NEW ALLY HAS JOINED ME IN MY FIGHT TO UNCOVER THE TRUTH, TO BREAK THE WEB OF GOVERNMENTAL DECEIT AND CONSPIRACY. THIS ALLY, WHO I BELIEVE MAY BE OPERATING AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF GOVERNMENT HAS UP UNTIL THIS POINT REMAINED ANONYMOUS. TONIGHT I WILL MEET AT LAST THIS MAN, WHO UNTIL NOW, I HAVE KNOWN ONLY AS A HUSKY VOICE ON THE PHONE, AND HIS CODE NAME OF ALL THINGS, "DEEP THROAT." [ KNOCKING ] Duchovny: WHO IS IT? Deep Voice: IT'S ME, DEEP THROAT. Duchovny: (opening door) AT LAST, THE MAN I'VE BEEN WAITING TO MEET. (The real tall guy enters in drag as Janet Reno.) Janet Reno: MAN? (removes coat) TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THIS BODY. [ LAUGHTER ] Duchovny: JANET RENO? Janet Reno: MAYBE. OKAY, YES. NOW LET ME HELP YOU PICK YOUR JAW UP OFF THE FLOOR. Duchovny: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE THE ONE SENDING ME THESE MESSAGES. THE ALIEN COVER UP MUST REACH THAT HIGH UP. Janet Reno: ALIEN COVERUP? WHAT, DO I HAVE TO HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A BOARD? I WAS COMING ON TO YOU. Duchovny: ARE YOU TRYING TO DENY THAT YOUR MESSAGES WEREN'T ABOUT EXTRA TERRESTRIAL LIFE? WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SHOW ME VIDEOTAPES OF ALIENS. Janet Reno: ALIENS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES. I THOUGHT YOU COULD COME OVER AND WE WOULD WATCH IT AND HAVE BRIE. [ LAUGHTER ] Duchovny: (slow take to the audience) WHAT? Janet Reno: I ALSO HAVE "WELCOME HOME ROXY CARMICHAEL." Duchovny: YOU ALSO SAID SOMEBODY IN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WANTED TO GIVE ME A UFO. NOW THAT COULDN'T BE MORE CLEAR. IT'S ABOUT UFOs. Janet Reno: OH, GREAT. THEN YOU WON'T MIND IF I TREAT YOU TO AN "UNBELIEVABLY FEROCIOUS ORGASM." DD: COME ON. UH, WHAT ABOUT I-I WANT TO GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO EXAMINE AN OUT OF THIS WORLD BODY -- OH. OKAY NOW I'M STARTING TO GET IT. Janet Reno: BY THE WAY THAT OFFER STILL STANDS. (strokes Duchovny's face and puts hand on Duchovny's thigh) Duchovny: SO, TO MEET ME YOU WENT SO FAR AS TO SEND ME MESSAGES AND TAKE A CODE NAME, DEEP THROAT? Janet Reno: CODE NAME? HELL, DEEP THROAT WAS MY OLD SORORTY NICKNAME. Duchovny: JANET, I HAVE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD YOU PURSUE ME LIKE THIS. Janet Reno: OH, MULDER. (strokes face) EVER SINCE I SAW YOU AT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT PICNIC, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET YOU OFF MY MIND. Duchovny: THAT'S RIGHT I REMEMBER SEEING YOU THERE, TOO. YOU ATE LIKE 60 PANCAKES, DIDN'T YOU. YEA, I REMEMBER THAT. YOU HAD A CROWD CHANTING "JANET, JANET , JANET!" Janet Reno: OKAY, I LIKE PANCAKES. LET'S MOVE ON. EVER SINCE THAT DAY I'VE KEPT AN EXTENSIVE FILE ON YOU. LET'S SEE, (pulls out folder) SPECIAL AGENT MULDER, FIRST NAME FOX. I'LL SAY. HEIGHT, A DELICIOUS 6-1. WEIGHT 185 POUNDS OF GRADE A CHUCK. AND THEN I JUST WROTE MRS. JANET MULDER ABOUT 300 TIMES. SEE? [ LAUGHTER ] Duchovny: YES, I SEE. LISTEN, I'M FLATTERED JANET, BUT I'M MARRIED TO MY WORK AND PLUS I'M REALLY, REALLY INTO PORNOGRAPHY. Janet Reno: WHO ISN'T? Duchovny: WELL, I HOPE THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS. BUT IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, MY PARTNER SCULLY IS ABOUT TO JOIN ME. Janet Reno: SCULLY! I GOT A FILE ON THAT POUTY-LIPPED ICE QUEEN, TOO. SHE'S ALWAYS "OH, I'M SO SKEPTIBLE - SKEPTICAL ABOUT THAT. NO, I'M SURE THERE'S A REASONABLE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR THAT." IF I EVER SEE HER, I WILL DO MY KARATE ON HER. (does karate move) OW. (Woman enters as Scully, reading a folder.) Scully: MULDER, I'M SKEPTICAL ABOUT YOUR CONCLUSION, HERE. I'M SURE THERE IS A REASONABLE SCIENTIFIC EXPLAN -- AHHHH! Janet Reno: AHHHH! (Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down.) Duchovny: (going to Scully) SCULLY! Janet Reno: (bowing) THANK YOU MIAGI. Duchovny: SCULLY! Janet Reno: SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. WON'T BET IT'S THE FIRST TIME SHE'S WOKEN UP WITH A HEADACHE AND A FEW BRUISES. WHAT'S THAT SCULLY? YOU WANT MO' STUFF? (Janet Reno starts to attack again. Duchovny steps between them.) Duchovny: HEY, HEY! NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. GET OUT OF HERE! Janet Reno: ALL RIGHT, BUT BEFORE I GO. (Janet Reno grabs Duchovny, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Duchovny falls back on desk.) Duchovny: (awed) OH, MY GOD. THAT KISS. IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS A FLYING SAUCER IN MY PANTS. Janet Reno: OH YEAH? TOO BAD FOXY, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. ANYWAY, I'VE ALREADY GOT MY OWN SWEET PIECE OF FBI MEAT. OH, KRYCEK. (Nick Lea enters and puts awful fake arm on Janet's shoulder.) [ APPLAUSE ] Nick Lea: COME ON, JANET BABY, LET'S ROLL. Duchovny: KRYCEK, NO! Janet Reno: ALEX IS WITH THE REAL FBI, THE FEMALE BODY INSPECTORS. Nick Lea: YEAH. ANYWAY, SEE YOU LATER, MULDER. Duchovny: I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU STEAL HER FROM ME. (Duchovny stage punches Nick Lea several times. Nick Lea falls.) Janet Reno: BIG MISTAKE, MY FRIEND. (punches Duchovny out) LET'S GO, HONEY. (Nick Lea tries to get to Duchovny. Janet Reno restrains him.) IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. YOU'RE WITH ME. (to Scully) SWEET DREAMS, WHORE! [ LAUGHTER ] Janet Reno: AND AS FOR YOU, MULDER, (to camera) LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT! [ APPLAUSE ]